I dont need them. I am strong.

I dont need Jeff. He is immature.
I dont need Luke. He is immature.
I dont need them, all they fucking do is start drama. And fuck with each others cars and start more drama. Uggh.

I am done with Jeff. He expects far too much out of me, and I am just no longer feeling the love anymore. We disagree on anything and everything and would fight almost everyday, so I said fuck it, I am no longer doing this. Yeah it sucks because I was so used to hanging out with him and him being there for me but I honestly want to do the right thing here, and Luke's girlfriend is giving me shit by telling me that I am stupid for doing that to someone who really does care about me. Yeah, but is it fair that I dont really care about him and I am dragging him along? No. Hes gone, and because of that, so is my best friend and his stupid girlfriend.

I dont need my old best friend anymore either because all he ever does is hang out with his girlfriend. He doesnt call me to say Hi or anything. He isnt that good of a friend. I dont know why I am friends with him. I think its time to move the fuck on and get new friends. Yep.

Eric is coming home this Tuesday, I am so excited. I cant wait. Love him!!! <3

Luna <333

Today is a slow, lazy, lonely day.

Ive been spending it mostly with Luna. I love spending time with her. :D She is so amazing. Yesterday, she turned 11 months old. Shes is almost a year! She is still in her first heat right now, it wont be over for about another 5 or 6 days. Right now, she is curled up on my bed sleeping. Cutie.

I am still stressing out about money, seeming as how I have no job yet and I have to pay $32 for my credit card and $55 to my landlord (asap). My dad wrote me a check to pay for water this month, so thats once less problem off my shoulders. I feel so bad, because I have so much going on that I need to buy for, and he has to pay for it. Ughh. I have 4 pets, and I have to buy food, wet food, litter, rawhides, treats, etc. Then to clean up after them I constantly need trash bags, swiffer dusters, swiffer wetjet pads, paper towels, clorox wipes, puppy bath wipes, etc. All of this adds up real quick. On top of this, my mother isnt helping me with food, so I have to buy all my food with my card too. It sucks.

I had a 2nd interview the other day, well, technically, a "working" interview. I thought it went well, and the lady told me she would call me on TUESDAY. Then she talked about hours. I was like omgg...does that mean I got it? Hopefully she can call me on Tuesday and tell me I start on Wednesday :) I would be so happy. I really need a job. And I would really loveee working with pets :)

Mister Fucking Brown.

Alright so, I am pretty much at the edge of the cliff about to jump. If you get what I am saying.

I break up with him twice and feel bad because he says he as apparently changed, so I give him a second chance. Like I always do. Because I am a fucking idiot. So I he automatically assumes were boyfriend and girlfriend again, but I explain to him that I want to wait to see if he really has changed. I also have a crush on someone else and I want to see which one will work out better in the end, so I decided to stay single for a little while. So when I explain this to him he gets all sad, but tells me he wont let me down.

So far, he has pissed me off for the following reasons:

1. Making fun of one of my close friends because he thinks shes ugly. (I told him to stop but he kept going on and on and on about how high her cheekbones were, and when I told him she was my friend, he started talking even louder).

2. He has ignored me all day today (and Ive been having a bad day) and when I asked my best friend what he was doing (they live next to each other) he tells me that Jeff is outside SMOKING. On a break. Still not talking to me. And then he just texted me and I have been upset all day waiting and waiting and waiting for him to talk to me, and he assumes I am mad because of him, and like turns into a total sick. Go fucking figure, he hasnt changed.

3. He came over to my house last night to spend some time with me and spent a half an hour on the porch talking to his brother about a stupid fucking buisness they want to open. I tried telling him it bothered me and to get off the phone, but he didnt listen and completely ignored me.

4. After he got off the phone, he came back into my room, only to TEXT his brother every MINUTE until I got pissed and decided to leave his house around midnight. (He wanted to go back to his place for awhile).

5. He promised he would spend the night and he didnt.

6. He lied to me about what he was doing today, also.

Thats just a few examples, point is, I am really unsure if I want to go out with him. Make him my boyfriend again.

He has gotten into HUGE arguements with my friends, he told me he wanted to smash one of my friends heads in and break his jaw, he constantly tells me how much he hates my animals, he lives like a fucking pig, he treats me like shit more than half the time (and the other half I dont know if he is just faking it), I have lost ALL interest in moving in with him, etc. And the worst part is, I have his name tattooed on me. 1, I regret it. 2, he doesnt appriciate it. I know I have Richtors name on me too, but at least he appriciated it, and he taught me a lot about life. He wasnt a complete asshole at the time.

I dont know what else to say, Im crying, hurt, and upset.
I will write more later, maybe.

Happy Friday the 13th.

Bills Suck Cox

I am so sick of drama. Its not even funny. Jeff has totally turned into a giant psycho ass, who thinks he knows everything. He is almost 18 years old, which means he is really at the maturity level I was at when I was what, 14/15? He thinks if someone calls him stupid he has the total right to kick their ass. As in jumping on their head on a curb and breaking their jaw/nose/ribs. I am complete opposite of that. Communication solves everything. Not violence. Hitting someone because of an insult is totally a 10 year old thing to do. And thats not something I can change in him. Thats something he has to grow out of, and I dont think he will for a very long time. He told me thats how he was raised. If that is true, I dont know if I really like it. He is immature whether he likes it or not. And I still have feelings for Ben. My little bugsy. And he is sweeter. Mature. Amazing. I cannot believe I blew him off for Jeff. What a mistake.

I am having a lot of trouble coming up with my money for my bills. For my electric/water/sewer/trash/cox cable. I have no real job, however, I am working 4 hours a week for my godmother, Linda. Thats only $40 a week though. I am looking SO hard for a job right now. Almost every day. Fucking gay.

Need to go clean my room, will add more later.

Bella Is Gone

I found a new home for my German Shepherd / Husky Mix, Bella. I had her for almost a year, and she was pretty much not trainable. Perfectly mannered, but not trainable. My roommates had a Halloween party the other night, on Halloween night, and she pooped on the floor of my bedroom. Then I came back in, and she peed on my bed. Like a fucking RIVER. I couldnt believe it. She had been let out 30min beforehand. Horrible. That was the cherry on the bella-is-acting-horrible sundae that made me want to have her go. I think she deserves someone who will take her for walks religiously everyday and someone who will groom her more often anyway. I tend to take me attention to Luna, my puppy.

Anyway. More problems with Jeffrey. Lovely. I hate angry people. I cant wait to start school so I have something else to worry about. And concentrate on. And DO. God. Fuck. Im going crazy without school OR a job. I WISH I HAD BOTH!

Haunting Me

Okay so, I woke up this morning and was going to do my normal ritual of wake up, get energy drink, check texts/email/myspace, when I came across an interesting e-mail from my dad. It was a forwarded message from my old landlord from Spokane, Washington. He is a slum lord. He is a horrible person. This old house I was staying in for a few months when I was up there, was built in 1902. It had old carpet, scratched old floors, etc. Now I moved out, and that landlord is trying to fucking get all my family money because apparently I caused all this damage. He wants like almost $4,000. I think this is stupid. I am very pissed. He said that the smell of my dogs poop was absorbed into the basement CEMENT. Someone please tell me if its possible or not for cement to absorb odors. I think thats bullshit. On top of all this, there was mold down there too. Anyway, my dad and I are probably going to have to take this to court, in which case, I would have to go. I guess. I dont know what to do, im freaking out, starting school soon, I feel horrible because my dad has to go through all of this, and its just stupid. I want it to be over. Its almost November and I moved out of there in SEPTEMBER. Before my birthday! I hate him.

Cristina, my old roommate, fucked me over bigtime. She owes my dad over 2,500 bucks, and she changed her phone number and e-mail so we cant get ahold of her. She is the biggest bitch I know. She never paid rent while I was there, she never helped pay for any of the ultilities, she always ate my food. She used to be my best friend, now she is on my A list of revenge. Seriously. I want to take her down. Shes such a bitch. Shes also dating a sex offender (still). Little does she know, my new boyfriends brother still lives up in Spokane. We plan on having him (if he can) personally delievering a Demand Notice for her to pay my dad back, or he will take her to court and settle it in Small Claims Court. That way we can take Mr. Slumlord to court as well, and hopefully pay with Cristinas money. Yep. Life is great. Fucking AWESOME.

Im starting school on November 30th and I am kind of scared. I dont know how its gonna go and I dont know what to do. EEeekk. I hope I pass it okay. I have to take out 4 ear piercings and my nose ring (and put in a retainer on that one) and my tongue (if I cant hide it) to go to school. I also HAVE to wear long sleeves so that I can cover up all of my damn tattoos. That might be a pain in the ass, but hopefully not.

I might be getting this Nanny job, interview tomorrow. Cover up tattoos and piercings for that too, apparently. I dont think they will hire me. I keep doubting myself. I guess thats because my life is going into the shithole lately. I am starting to regret shit that I have done in my past. And my policy is NO REGRETS. But my life would of been so much better if I hadnt of moved to Spokane. I would have a job, I would be in school, I would living in Santee with my friends. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING. I am never doing anything that special for a fucking male ever again. For fucks sake.

I am trying to plan this trip to Knotts Scary Farm. With my close friends. Hopefully it will happen. However, im pretty broke. I just got my credit card back, but I am on my last leg with that, so I dont want to push it.

Blood and Guts.

My new boyfriend is going to be a medic working out of a firefighter station. I am a bit scared, I have to admit, because he is one of those guys who doesnt talk really unless you are with them. He does, but its only one word answers.

Im just a bit scared because he will be working 12 hour days from 6am-730pm. When he gets off, I will be in school. I get out of school at 10, but since its in Chula Vista, I probably wont be home and ready and whatnot until about 11pm. At that time, he will want to go to sleep so he can get up at 6am. I dont know. The only time I can spend with him is during the day, which he is working. On his days off...sure...but thats like 2 a week. And what happenes when I finally get a job? I am looking for one...I need one horribly...and like...on his days off I will be working and I just dont see the time we will get to spend with one another....and I think this is going to put an extremely hard stress on our relationship, which I dont think I can handle right now. With school and money problems and all this other bullshit going on. :( I wish he hadnt of taken a stupid job like that. He is only 17.